Tuesday, 24 January 2017

It's okay not to be okay.


 "All my windows still are broken but I'm standing on my feet." 


April 27th, 2016
There I was, sitting in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt.
I was confused, scared and mostly shocked about what has happened the day before.

I have struggled with mental illness for a really long period of my life and I never asked for help because I was ashamed and afraid. Afraid of what people would think about me, afraid of people putting labels on me and afraid of disappointing the people closest to me.
I also kept telling myself that my problems are not 'bad enough', not 'worthy enough' and that I am pathetic for thinking that I need help when there are people with problems way worse than mine.
So I just kept living with it, struggling every day. 

I was in mental hospital for 16 weeks and then for another 4 weeks.
Those were probably the hardest months of my life but it was totally worth going through.
I struggled with all these problems for more than 8 years completely on my own up to the point where I didn't want to carry on living anymore and now there were professionals helping me to get better. I was diagnosed with severe depression and borderline personality disorder and  I learnt a lot about these diseases in the time I've been there. The more I got to know about them the more I understood what was going on with me these last couple of years.

I was working really hard on myself and my problems but I didn't feel any better for a really long time and I completely lost hope that I'll ever get better and have a 'normal' life. I went home after 16 weeks still feeling completely miserable but I decided to go back into treatment after just a few days and this time I really wanted to change and try my best to get better. I did a lot of therapy and I opened up about my feelings and problems which helped me so much. After about 3 weeks I started feeling so much better, happier and healthier. This time I really was willing to go home, I wasn't afraid of the 'real world' and myself anymore.

I'm in a much better place now.
I still have to fight everyday, this illness will be a big part of my life for a long time but I'm learning to deal with it. I still go to therapy and I'm constantly working on myself. I can't say that I don't struggle with self harm anymore, I can't say that I'm eating normally and I can't say that I don't struggle getting out of bed some days but I am trying my best.
Recovery isn't easy but it's totally worth working for.

Mental illness is still a taboo topic and that is very sad.
I, myself, lost friends because I opened up about my mental illness, I lost a lot of respect at work and I had many people talking sh*t behind my back. I am strong enough now to not give a f*ck about what people think about me but back then it really affected me and it mostly made me very sad.

It is so important to talk about mental health!
Please never be silent about it because your voice matters and it might change somebody's point of view. Educate yourself on mental health and most importantly don't judge somebody who is dealing with a mental disorder.

If you are struggling with a mental disorder I want you to know that you are not alone.
1 in 5 adults will experience mental illness, and that is a lot.
I encourage you to reach out for help because mental health is just as important as physical health.
Don't be scared of what people think because 'those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter'. Don't be ashamed of who you are because you are strong and you are important. Your problems matter as much as anybody else's and it is important to get help because it made my life so much better and it will change your life for good as well!
Trust me, things will get better even if you don't think that right now.
You are strong and you can do it!
I believe in you.

Lots of Love,
Jenni
xxx

(If you have any questions leave them in the comments down below.)